This is it

This is going to be an honest open letter about what I've been through lately. 

For a long time, I felt like I was trying but not able to contribute. There is a lot of fear surrounding what I want to create. I stumble, I fall, I rise. 

It's a never-ending battle. When the mind is in play, there is always a resistant of thoughts. My thought patterns haven't been the most positive. I was a bit harsh on myself.

Actually, it's like I don't know what I was doing. I was lost. I get shivers writing this. It's like these new year resolutions. You have so much hope in the future. They hardly ever come true. This is the problem: to not live in the future.

I try though. To live in the present, be mindful. Let go of the past. I've read so much. This is a bit contradictory in a way. I'm constantly looking for the next book that is going to help me. Which is telling my self that I'm not okay. I'm relying on external support to make me feel better. This is not entirely helpful.

This is a scary realisation. 

Now that I've acknowledge the above, I get this funny feeling. So what now?

To be honest, I'm always looking for answers. I know everything happens for a reason. Yet, I sometimes find it hard to stay afloat, not to lose oneself in the midst of everything. I feel so conflicted sometimes with what's going on inside and outside. It's like I have no control and this make me feel crazy.

I know I have a lot of personal issues to deal with. Who knew that when you grow up, you'd think you'd have everything figure out, yet it doesn't get any better.

Here is one thing though: I know I was put here for a reason. While this reason is taking its time to materialise itself, I know I won't give up. I've got so much to live for. I've got a lot to offer to this world. My life has meaning and I will give it meaning. 

I will try and not get caught in daily dramas. I will try to live purposefully in the present moment. 

Everything is impermanent. Hang in there.